catching bubbles

Today I am not so deep. I feel like I'm floating over everything, disconnected.

I have been . . . kind of happy today.

I woke with a slight hangover - yeah mom of the year, right? Now I understand how women have done "it" for years and years and years. When I say "it" I mean life. They drank. Seriously.

I got deliriously drunk last night. I think I haven't drank that much since college.
I don't want to talk about that though.

I want to talk about the peace I seem to have today. It's like an effervescent feeling that I don't think I've had in a long long time. A calmness.

This feeling reminds me of bubbles. When I try to grab it and hold on to it, it eludes me. When I lay back and relax - I feel that peace and joy for life begin to saturate me.

I just have to let it happen.

my first unedited post

Sometimes I think about death. My death. Maybe my suicide. 

I'm trapped. 

I'm to the main part of my life and I have nothing to show. 

I can't do anything special, I haven't become anyone special. 

I have discovered nothing new. I feel old and broken and useless.

So to me I feel unneeded. I'm overweight. I'm over thirty. 

My husband doesn't really love me, I think it's duty at this point. 

My kids don't care whether I'm here or not. 

I am someone to be used to all of them. 

Someone to do the things they don't want to do. 

Someone who has the time because that someone is useless and is not doing anything important.

So why not death? When we have animals that are suffering we put them out of their misery. Why not me? I'm not worth anything to anyone.

But what if I could change all this? 

What could I do? 

I'm not smart enough or hard working enough to change my life. 

Or am I? Could I do it.

Could I become someone new, someone different? 

Someone worth something? 

Someone worth loving? 

Not just someone to do the things that no one else wants to do.